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Daniel Frisano - Technical translator
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  The Heish and Sheish languages

We all know how hard it is at times to understand our beloved partners... sometimes it just seems like we speak two different languages and there is no way one can understand the other. I called these languages Sheish and Heish, respectively, and in an effort to contribute to the peace, harmony and understanding in our relationships, I decided to put together the first Sheish/Heish/English glossary ever devised. Some excerpts follow.

Sheish → English phrasebook
 
When she says... It means...
 
Yes. No.
 
No. Yes.
 
Maybe. No.
 
I'm sorry. You'll be sorry.
 
We need... I want...
 
It's your decision. The correct decision should be obvious by now.
 
Do what you want. You'll pay for this later.
 
We need to talk. I need to complain.
 
Sure... go ahead. I don't want you to.
 
I'm not upset. Of course I'm upset, you moron!
 
You're so manly. You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
 
You're certainly attentive tonight. Is sex all you ever think about?
 
Be romantic, turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs.
 
This kitchen is so inconvenient. I want a new house.
 
I want new curtains. I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...
 
Hang the picture there. NO, I mean hang it there!
 
I heard a noise. I noticed you were almost asleep.
 
Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something expensive.
 
How much do you love me? I did something today you're really not going to like.
 
I'll be ready in a minute. Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
 
Am I fat? Tell me I'm beautiful.
 
You have to learn to communicate. Just agree with me.
 
Are you listening to me!? Too late, you're dead.
 
Was that the baby? Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep?
 
I'm not yelling! I am yelling because I think this is important!
 
(In response to "What's wrong?")
The same old thing. Nothing.
Nothing. Everything.
Nothing, really. It's just that you re such an idiot!
 
Heish → English phrasebook
 
When he says... It means...
 
It's a guy thing. There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.
 
Can I help with dinner? Why isn't it already on the table?
 
Uh-huh / Sure, honey / Yes, dear (Absolutely nothing - Pavlovian conditioned response)
 
It would take too long to explain. I have no idea how it works.
 
Take a break, honey. You're working too hard. I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.
 
That's interesting, dear. Are you still talking?
 
You know how bad my memory is. I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday.
 
Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself. It's no big deal. I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.
 
Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing. I sure hope I think of some reason pretty soon.
 
I can't find it. It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.
 
What did I do this time? What did you catch me at?
 
I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are. No one will ever see us alive again.
 
We share the housework. I make the messes; she cleans them up.